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Benefit of the Doubt

Dear Mr. Small Eyes,

After ten months of working with you, I have received complaints from our colleagues that you are one of the most stubborn and stupidest people they have ever met. For ten months, I told them that there's nothing too hard to mold, nothing too hard to give up on. Let's be clear on one thing, I may not always believe in what you think, but I sure as hell would defend you when people thought you were overbearing. It hurts me to say that tonight, you have proven yourself stubborn, stupid and overbearing.

I don't know what the point of our long conversation was. I am not sure why we needed to have it, because everything I said was repeated again and again and again, but you just cannot seem to put your hands on it. You told me it was for clarification, so that you'd know how things work, the way I see it, there is nothing to clarify with you. Your mind was all set, nothing can change it.

If you tell me that such conversation was meant to persuade me, I am sorry, but all your bullets can simply come right back to you. Was it then meant to piss me off? Maybe, I don't know. I'll let you in on a secret, I was so pissed, like my fallen heroes who talked to you and came back to the camp to report that you lost that silver lining. I was so pissed, but you did not win me to your side. You didn't prove yourself to be good.

You told me that I was okay while the rest of our team isn't, does not make me less annoyed that you do not have the balls to defend what we stand for and that you leave your team when you think it is convenient. I'll stand by what my team stood for, because I voted for it and with all conviction, thought it was good. On the other hand, you do not even if initially you thought it was good. Had deliberations gone smoothly for your interest, I doubt you'd make a fuss. But because it didn't, it doesn't warrant you to declare what the rest of of the society as void.

You have to understand that like all those whom we kicked out, you were given the benefit of the doubt. But this doubt doesn't last for long, give me anything inductive by logic that defies it, your case is through. And that's exactly what you did tonight.

The never equal friendship

I just told a friend that in relationships and friendships, someone is bound to love more and care more. I want to be the one who cares less for a change, because it is very frustrating to care a lot when such effort is not met with the same intensity of love and care.

Little things count

I want you to remember that there are things in this world, no matter how small they are, can make a difference in your life.

I was complaining of how different I am from my high school self, that I no longer see that ambitious teenager who dreamed big and worked hard. I haven't forgotten how to dream big, alright, but I have forgotten to work hard, allowing myself to get trapped by a ceiling.

I realized that I have thrown myself into a bottomless pit of mediocrity by limiting myself and accepting defeat over and over again. They say it's an act of humility to accept defeat, but it's different when you auto-defeat yourself. I've become a big-dreaming defeatist who separates self from dreams.

It's quite unusual how a simple chore of returning books to the library can wake me up from this nightmare of being the big-dreaming defeatist. It's this simple thing of my friend telling me that the library closes at 4 when it's already 4:30 but she's not sure. I'd usually say "Never mind. Fck returning these today, I can do it tomorrow!" but today I didn't do that, I wanted to do something so badly, might as well take a leap of faith and get it done. She was wrong, I was able to do what I had to do.

That little thing got me to my senses that dreaming is not enough, because it is doing that seals the deal. 

It's always darkest before the dawn

It doesn't have to be religious, you just have to believe in it. Believe that things you cannot control can give you positive results just as things you control can yield negative results. It rests on a gray area, its consequences yet to unfold.

Because of this huge uncertainty, let nature take its course. In the next few days, I'll work hard and let things be, it's the best I can do.

Checking out the competition

Can't help but check out the competition, but really, it all boils down to what I can do. So kebs na sa threats and competition, it's about being better. Char. Hindi talaga fun wanting something so badly but feeling helpless when you can't be good enough for it. 

I can do this. Super duper kaya. I'll get there on time.

2013

After having a foot ran down by a cab, a toe stepped on by a friend, a heart broken and two tournaments I did not break into, I am glad that 2012 is over; and quite frankly, the ones digit of the year turning into three, making 2013, is a triumph in itself.

If life were a notebook waiting to be filled with a story, I'd pen victories on this new page. Happy New Year!

Finding inspiration

In a time when all my motivation is anchored on hatred and vengeance, I was told to find real inspiration. Why do I do what I do to begin with? Truth is, I do not know. It must be insane that all my efforts are based on selfish agenda, maybe it is, maybe it is not. I want to find out and remember what my inspiration was seven years ago. I just might get disappointed with a realization based on this and maybe the hindrance to me advancing is because of really selfish motivations.

I must find something or someone to show me what to fight for and to put meaning to what I do.

On believing

Sometimes, all it takes is a person and an opportunity to believe again. I am thankful for the weekend through which I saw that I can break boundaries and go back somewhere I haven't been to for the past two years. 

Raindrops keep falling on my head

The continuous rainfall has gotten me to think, that more than anything else, I am glad that I am at home with my mom, dad, and brother. I cannot fathom the idea of staying in a relative's house while the threat of flood can keep me away from my family until the flood subsides. I remember my freshie Ondoy days when I had to be "shipped" away from home just so I can go to school everyday because the neck-high flood outside the subdivision was hopeless, and while I was travelling with my dad to his aunt's house, I was secretly crying because I was never away from home indefinitely. 

As much as I dream of independence, of living on my own, as much as I think that there is a possibility that I won't look back, it seems like it won't be the case after all. Right now, all I can say is, I am the same kid who cried and worried when dad picked me up from school 2 hours after dismissal; I am the same little girl who cried when mom was at a convention; I am still that pre-schooler who threw tantrums when mom and dad weren't home when prime time news was being aired. Although, I've grown tougher, because I was told not to cry and worry, because it embarrassed my parents a lot; although I've grown ready to fend for myself and rely less on my parents, I still have these rare episodes of going back to who I was, and possibly, who I really am.

Beyond enjoying the suspension of classes, take this opportunity to think and be productive. Stay safe, everyone.

Rumor has it

In the middle of constructing a hypothesis for a research proposal, I can't help but write about this. Today, I have confirmed your pathetic kababawan, so I decided to change the course of my actions. After all, games are supposed to be played, right?

The good thing is, I am very much consistent. As much as the day is about a revelation that burns through, it is also about forming new friendships and mending past grievances. Things like these tell me that there has to be something in store for me in the near future.